1.Number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq: 6,614:
2.Number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the US: 11,766
3.Number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.: 24
4.Number of workplace violence incidents in the U.S. annually that are the result of current or past intimate partner assaults: 18,700
5.Number of women in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 4
6.Number of men in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 7*
7.Number of women who will experience partner violence worldwide: 1 in 3
8.Order of causes of death for European women ages 16-44: domestic violence, cancer, traffic accidents
9.Increase in likelihood that a woman will die a violent death if a gun in present in the home: 270 percent
10.Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in France and South Africa: 1 in 3
11.Percentage of the 900 million small arms that are kept in the home, worldwide: 75
12.Country in which 943 women were killed in honor killings in 2011: Pakistan
13.City in which man “butchered” his wife in front of their six children in 2012: Berlin
14.States in which man decapitated his wife with a chainsaw in 2010 and another man did the same, respectively: Texas and New York
15.Percentages of people killed in the U.S. by an intimate partner: 30 percent of women, 5.3 percent of men.
16.Number of gay and bisexual men who experience domestic violence in the U.S.: 2 in 5 (similar to heterosexual women)
17.Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from older, white, male Republicans: 95.8
18.Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from a younger, male Republicans, at least one of whom sits on the Science Committee but is unable to say how old the Earth is: 4.2
19.Number of legal, medical, professional, faith-based and advocacy groups that signed a letter protesting the stripped-down VAWA: 300
20.First year that the Republican-led House of Representatives eroded VAWA of provisions designed to increase protections for Native Americans, immigrant women, members of the LGTBQ community and, yes, men: 2012
21.Estimated number of children, worldwide, exposed to domestic violence everyday: 10,000,000
22.Worldwide, likelihood that a man who grew up in a household with domestic violence grows up to be an abuser: 3 to 4 times more likely than if he hadn’t.
23.Chance that a girl of high school age in the U.S. experiences violence in a dating relationship: 1 in 3
24.Percentage of teen rape and abuse victims who report their assailant as an intimate: 76
25.Percentage of U.S. cities citing domestic abuse as the primary cause of homelessness: 50
26.Percentage of homeless women reporting domestic abuse: 63
27.Percentage of homeless women with children reporting domestic abuse: 92
28.Percentage of women with disabilities who report violence: 40
29.Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to health care: $5.8 billion
30.Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to emergency care plus legal costs, police work, lost productivity: 37 billion dollars
31.Annual number of jobs lost in the U.S. as a result of intimate partner violence: 32,000
32.Percentage change between 1980 and 2008 of women and men killed by intimate partners in the U.S.: 43 percent to 45 percent; (m) 10 percent to 5 percent
33.Average cost of emergency care for domestic abuse related incidents for women and men according to the CDC: $948.00 for women, $387 for men
34.Increase in portrayals of violence against girls and women on network TV during a five year period ending in 2009: 120 percent
35.The number one cause of death for African American women ages 15-34 according to the American Bar Association: homicide at the hands of a partner
36.Chance that a lesbian** in the U.S. will experience domestic (not necessarily intimate partner) violence: 50 percent
37.Chances that a gay man experiences domestic violence: 2 out of 5*
38.Ratio of women shot and killed by a husband or intimate partner compared to the total number of murders of men by strangers using any time of weapon, from 2002 homicide figures: 3X
39.Number of people who will be stalked in their lifetimes: 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women (broken out: 17 percent of American Indian and Alaska Native women; 8.2 percent of white women, 6.5 pecent of African American women, and 4.5 percent of Asian/Pacific Islander women)
40.Percentage of stalkers identified as known to victims: 90.3
41.Percentage of abused women in the U.S. who report being strangled by a spouse in the past year: 33 to 47.3 (this abuse often leaves no physical signs)
42.According to one study, percentage of domestic abuse victims who are tried to leave after less severe violent and nonviolent instances of abuse: 66 versus less than 25
43.Average number of times an abuser hits his spouse before she makes a police report: 35
44.No. 1 and No. 2 causes of women’s deaths during pregnancy in the U.S.: Domestic homicide and suicide, often tied to abuse
45.Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in the United States: 2 in 3
46.Percentage of rape and sexual assault victims under the age of 18 who are raped by a family member: 34
47.Number of women killed everyday in the U.S. by a spouse: 3+
48.The primary reason cited by right-wing conservatives for objecting to the Violence Against Women Act: To protect the family.
49.Percentage reduction in reports of violence after men and women in South Africa went through an educational training program on health, domestic violence and gender norms: 55
50.Number of members of Congress who have gone through an educational training program on health, economics, violence, and gender norms: 0
As most of you know I do my best to raise awareness about Domestic Violence. For the most part you don’t know my story. This was one of my very first blog posts. I felt the need to post it again as we end Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s my desire you will understand the passion behind my post. The drive and what keeps me going about this issue.
I don’t share my life for you to feel sorry for me, I share to bring awareness for those stillin the same battle God saved me from. I hope you enjoy what you read.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek it’s own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Like many I ignored the warning signs. That first blow could have been my last blow. I should have left him once he started to tell me what to do. The abuse only got worse.
The first time he hit me we were sitting in his mother’s living room. He had his eyes closed while we watched TV. I changed the channel because he dozed off. Once he realized I wasn’t watching what he wanted to watch he slapped me. I felt wind from his hand of steel flying across my face as if the window was open, then I felt the heat as if I was just burned by an iron. My face tingled for a long while after that.
The tears rolled down my face as he yelled, “who told you to change my channel?” It was then I curled over in the fetal position too scared to fight back.
His mother, upset from the sound of what she heard asked, “What was that?”
I looked at him in fear of what would happen if I told the truth. He told her, “I smacked her.”
“You better not ever put your hands on her again!” I thought his mother put some fear in him, but I was wrong. So wrong.
When I got pregnant a few months later at seventeen I called Mr. Fine to tell him the news. He did not deny the baby, but he was angry. He simply said, “What did I tell you about having kids?” He had told me if I had the baby “we would both end up in a pine box.” I was under 18 and needed a parent to have an abortion. I was too scared to tell my mother but he had the perfect plan. “Use my sister’s school ID and my mother will take you.” He didn’t even pay for the surgery.
When his mother picked me up, she asked if I was nervous. I knew when he got off if I was still pregnant there was going to be trouble so I acted as if everything was alright even when we walked up the steps and the inside made me cringe. It didn’t smell bad but I kept thinking how easily the receptionist was smiling and laughing like murder wasn’t going on in the next room. I signed in and almost put my real name. I had to hurry and scratch it before she realized I wasn’t the light-skinned girl on the school ID. I thought the picture would save me; I had to be four shades darker than she was. It didn’t, she responded flatly, “We will be with you in 20 minutes.” I went to sit next to his mother.
She rubbed my back and told me I would be fine and didn’t have anything to worry about. “The young lady he dated right before you went through the same procedure.” He lied!
In an argument with my sister two months later, she blurted out what I had done. My mother showed NO emotion, she went to her room as we followed order. Of course with my two year old baby on my hip I continued to date him. Even though he did not start hitting me right away, the verbal abuse still continued. I would call two of my good friends and tell them “if anything happened to me, he did it.”
On one occasion he answered the phone at my mother’s house. Whoever the guy was on the phone asked for me, he threw the phone and said “it’s for you.”
“Who is it?”
I looked at the caller ID but did not recognize the number. His red face showed obvious signs that he was upset. He jumped in his car and sped off to retrieve a gun from his mother’s house. She asked where he was going and he told her he was going to kill me. She wrestled him to the ground and called 9-1-1. He spent a few days on the psychiatric ward at a local hospital giving him time to strengthen his belief that I was cheating.
When he came home he said that things would change and like most of you I wanted to believe him. Nothing changed, it got worse. Most of our arguments would start because I didn’t get back in time or arrive when he thought I should. He knew how many miles I worked from the house and how long it should take me to get home. On some nights I took a retreat at a friend’s apartment, the only place he did not know about.
After high school I started classes at the Community College. He was so controlling he dropped me off and picked me up. I could only get to ten minutes before class started and he was always there when I got out. He made sure I had no social life: when I was free he made plans for us to spend time together, or for me to drive him to make his drug sales. I would sit around with a room full of guys and they passed blunts like hotcakes. If the other men brought a woman that day I would sit and talk to her about the latest fashion. I didn’t really have time to study I had to be free when he needed me to go.
Things started to go downhill with his drug usage and the putdowns became stronger. I worked for a bank at the time and we had an office Holiday Party. As I was getting ready he shot down everything I tried to wear. He was high and drunk. “Your smile is ugly because of your chipped tooth.” That stung. “No one will ever want someone like you.”
I told him I didn’t want him to go with me because he was “on another level.”
“If I don’t go you’re not going.” He took the keys and hid them from me which forced me to need him to drive. On the ride there we swerved in and out of traffic missing two cars by inches. I was thankful we made it over the dark back roads covered with ice with him being intoxicated.
I was embarrassed. He yelled at me the whole night, I hoped they would find out that the man who bought me roses and jewelry was psycho-path control freak.
My boyfriend constantly reminded me that he had guns and no desire to go back to jail. He told me one time he would kill both of us if I tried to leave. That’s when I realized I wasn’t safe, he knew where I worked, where my family lived and where my friends lived. No matter where I went he was able to show up and scare me out of the office with his threats of harm if I didn’t follow his directions. I tried to protect the people around me so I did what I was told.
One night we went out for a night on the town, this was his way of saying I’m sorry for what I did or what I’m about to do. We returned home only to find someone broke into our apartment. They stole the scale the dope was cooked on and two hand guns. I feared for my safety, it was no longer just about him, all his friends knew I was his woman.
I tried to leave once. “I’m tired of this roller coaster and I want out.” My talks of leaving left him to talk about marriage so I would stay.
“Where are you going? Everything in the apartment is mine. My mother gave us the furniture and my money paid for the 50 inch television. I was “hood rich,” living with nice things, a diamond ring, a fat herringbone necklace, designer bags and cute clothes. I got dressed in my room sometimes in the dark. I would fix my hair in the car, using the rear view mirror. I was going to the hairdresser and he would often remind me, “You didn’t have hair like that when we first got together and it still doesn’t take away from your chipped tooth.”
When he went to jail for selling drugs I finally was able to break free. I got my teeth fixed and people started telling me how nice my smile was. I smile daily even when I don’t feel like it, just because I realize they are contagious and makes you look better.
If I didn’t say what he wanted to hear we would always end up near the back pack where he kept a shot gun made by one of his customers. I knew he always said he wasn’t going back to jail. I then became a slave in my own house. After he would calm down as I lay in the fetal position scared of what would happen. I knew to do what he wanted before I ended up backed in the room with the back pack, which was on the top shelf, close enough to grab but far enough that if I tried to kick him in the groin.
After long nights in the street he would come home and tap me on my shoulder. I would squeeze my butt cheeks together tightly praying he would not try to get some. He would rub my shoulders, and try other sensual things even though I would push him away. Not sure of his temper I would reluctantly comply. He would force oral sex by putting his penis across my face while I was sleeping. I would turn away curling into the fetal position wondering when the pain would ever end and wanting to die.
I felt violated on those nights. I never realized that my lack of consent meant he was raping me.
Since I wasn’t the best looking girl and my tooth was chipped I stayed with him thinking I would never get anyone this fine again. So I swallowed my pride and took the name calling and the put downs. When I looked in the mirror I hated the sight of myself, my hair was chewed up and wouldn’t grow. The only thing I had going for me was my body that all the guys drooled over. I had more sex offers than any other girl in school. I was beat down, broke busted and disgusted. I was anger, bitter and mad at the world. I looked to heaven to see if there was a God and if so when he was going to rescue me from the nightmare I was living.
The end came in the spring of 2000. I was nineteen years old and had just signed the closing paperwork on a house he thought I would be wise to purchase. My mother told me NOT to do it, but I thought he knew it all. I would often think about hurting him like he had hurt me but I never had the nerve to do it. He kept guns in the house so I had access to his weapons, I just didn’t know how to shoot them. On May 15, he found something to argue about before he went to pick his Aunt up from work. When he wanted to leave me at home he would always start an argument about something silly to “clear his mind.” This day his mind was full of a lot of thoughts and getting rid of me must have been at the top of the list.
I told him to put me and my daughter out of the car; he pulled over and did just that before driving home to get his red and black backpack with his gun in it. He stood in the drive-way pointed the gun at me and asked, ”Do you want me to spray your ass?”
I said no and took off running with my daughter on my side. Down the street two men who were outside working on a house asked if I wanted their help. I told them I didn’t want them to get hurt because of my foolishness. They never left, even when he pulled up, jumped out of the car and pointed the gun at me. I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see what was going to happen. I asked that he not harm my daughter she was innocent and didn’t do anything to him. He got in the car and his tires started skidding from the speed. As I ran down the street all I could think was a bullet was going to come flying toward us.
The men asked if I was ok, and ran the opposite way. The police picked us up and asked where he went but I had no clue. He always said he wasn’t going back to jail, he said he would shoot at the police so they would kill him. They spotted his grey Cadillac with silver rims and let us out of the car. A lady driving past in a red car gave us a ride to my cousin’s house. I gave her some gas money and told her thank you a million times.
My cousin asked what was wrong and I told her “he is either dead or going to be dead.” She asked what I was talking about and before I could say another word my mother was on the phone looking for me, all the drama made breaking news on the local channels. He shot a lady cop in the neck, she was paralyzed and died two years later. They shot him eight times. That made my teenage years some of the most painful years of my life. I felt guilty, that a police officer who was doing her job got hurt.
After he was sober and had a chance to think. He did call to apologize to me. He told me he was never going to hurt me, he wanted to scare me. He was tired of me making threats to leave and didn’t know what it would be like without me. I did forgive him for his action and thankful I did being he is no longer here on earth. He died 10 years later from his injuries.
I want to encourage young ladies not to give so much so soon. If you ignore the warning signs and give away all of your information it will be hard to leave in the event he becomes violent at any stage in the relationship. Think about the one in four women who experience abuse from a spouse or boyfriend. If you have a friend in the situation I encourage you to be there for her just as my friend was for me. If you suspect a friend is being abused because you’ve noticed she can’t hang out, stops calling as much or just acts weird when he is around try not to cause a scene in front of him. If she opts not to talk about it still love on her in the best way.
Remember all women don’t get to walk away from domestic violence. Walk away before you’re carried away.
*Name has been changed to protect the identity of the former domestic violence abuser
Well, some said Jones had a way with women. “They paid for nothing. I had a pocket full of cash and credit cards.” Some said he stood for what he believed in. Others said he had a passionate nature, but according to the State of Texas, Claxton Jones is an abuser of women.
Abuse can happen to anyone; abuse can be anyone. And if there is a history of it, chances are that cycle will continue. Breaking it requires speaking up, acknowledgement, responsibility, and getting the proper support to create a new understanding of a healthy relationship. If 1 in 4 women are affected by domestic violence in their lifetime, then how many men are involved in that statistic?
Today, Claxton Jones works three jobs not because he has to, but because he wants to provide more for his children than he had growing up. He is the type of man that will not allow his children to be compared to him, “I don’t speak that into existence, because they’re in a better place.” According to Jones, life is about constant evolution, and that is why he chose instead to lecture a recent shoplifter that he encountered at his store about consequences and good character.
Now, Jones exudes the good character that he preaches about. He listens. He hesitates after each question to compose thought-provoking answers. And despite the fact that he never went to college, he made sure that his three younger brothers did. According to Jones, no little boy wants to grow up and hit women. “It starts off as a pebble and grows.”
As a young boy, he never knew his own father. His mother’s boyfriend, the father of his three younger brothers, used to tell his friends, these are my kids, but this one isn’t mine. He said pointing at me.” It is hard for him to admit that he too was abused, because the physical abuse was directed only at his mother. Around the age of nine, Jones began to see “real” signs of abuse, bruises peeking out from under her clothes. “He never hit her face,” he says with pride for her beauty.
In a sense, he and his mother grew up together, because she was only 15 years old when she had him. She adopted the philosophy that she grew up with, “What happens in this house stays in this house.” And thus, the cycle repeated.
By 1987, his mother’s beatings were harsher and more frequent and the bruises did show. “Why don’t you do anything when I’m getting whooped?” She asked him one day. “I took that as a cry for help,” and he vowed never to let him put his hands on her again.
Again would come too soon, two months later exactly. “I went to my bedroom and got a bat and I lost it.” He hit his mother’s boyfriend repeatedly, and the only father figure that he had ever known left and never came back.
Jones weeps silently into his hands, reliving that day, as the large crucifix around his neck dangles in front of him. That day, Jones transitioned from victim to perpetrator, as the cycle of abuse continued. Three years later, he was charged with domestic violence, for “grabbing and shaking” his girlfriend. He sat in jail angry, without remorse, “learning how to be more careful next time.” On the other side of the partition, he heard what abuse sounded like from a lifetime victim. “My mother kept [sic] asking, how could she do you like that?” He expected disappointment, and instead he heard how abuse and unconditional love coexist, perpetuating the cycle.
When Jones married a few years later, he realized the pebble of anger was more like a boulder. He reached out to his church—a mega church in his community, which provides marriage counseling—but nobody returned his phone calls. He found out that he was not alone. Other men needed help too, but their cries were falling on deaf ears. Jones would not give up and he eventually assembled a support system for himself.
He calls it his “triangle.” The trifecta consists of Debra Nixon-Bowles, Founder and President of Women Called Moses, Oliver Lankford, a domestic violence counselor, and his new pastor. “Finally, at 37, I learned how to communicate.”
With abuse, there is a victim and an abuser, and often they both have family histories of it. Jones warns men, “It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be checked early and addressed.” We cannot wait until something happens, or for another victim to escalate into an abuser. “Say something now,” and get support to help put an end to domestic violence.
You can help Women Called Moses and learn more about Domestic Violence, by taking a stand and saying No More. To contact domestic violence counselor Oliver Lankford, please go to Lankford L.U.U.P. Domestic Violence Counseling Agency.
If you need immediate help, call:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
National Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474
Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN) 1-800-656-4673
I am NOT sure what happened over the weekend I am sure of what happened to Rhianna. When will Chris Brown and his short fuss be addressed? I am a fan of his music NOT a fan of his actions. Is he getting away with having a “HOT TEMPER?” What are our thoughts?
Yes NONE of are able to witness the actions BUT the same type of actions should cause us to wonder. What kind of example is he setting? I am speechless Chris was arrested AGAIN for putting his hands on someone. Please view thie signs of violent behavior and tell me your thoughts. The views here are my opinion as we all have one. I am tired of violent behavior being overloooked because I can buy my way out of if.
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
People often wonder if there are signs that might warn about potential violence in a relationship. The following is adapted from the National Technical Assistance Center of Family Violence.
1.Did your partner grow up in a violent family? Some people who grew up with violence may use it when faced with problems.
2.Does your partner tend to use force to “solve” problems? Does he have a quick temper?
3.Does your partner punch walls or things when upset Is your partner cruel to animals?
4.Does your partner have a poor self-image that he tries to cover up by being tough?
5.Does your partner have strong old-fashioned beliefs about the roles of men and women?
6. Is your partner jealous of you, your other friends and family? Does your partner keeps tabs on you? Does he frequently accuse you of cheating?
7. When your partner is angry, do you feel afraid of him? Do you find that trying not to make him angry is a major part of your life?
8.Does your partner treat you roughly or physically force you to do what you don’t want to do; such as keeping you from walking away from an argument?
9.Does your partner play with guns or other weapons? Does he talk about using them against people to “get even?”
10.Does your partner experience extreme highs and lows? Is your partner really kind at one time and really cruel at others? Often, he can have an unpredictable and confusing personality.
11.Does your partner blame others for his actions? Often he does not believe that his violent actions should have negative consequences. He has no awareness of, or guilt for, violating his wife’s/girlfriend’s boundaries.
12. ABUSE DURING DATING IS A GUARANTEE OF ABUSE LATER, DO NOT THINK THAT MARRIAGE OR LIVING TOGETHER WILL CHANGE YOUR PARTNER. IF YOUR PARTNER DOES ABUSE YOU, YOU ARE ALREADY A BATTERED WOMAN!!
Not sure if you are in an abusive relationship? Take this quick quiz and find out.
The new movie “I’m In Love With A Church Girl,” from RGM-New Breed was called the “surprise opening of the weekend,” by top film blogs after a solid opening weekend.
The faith-based romantic drama is the #1 independent movie in theaters, leading Rolling Stone to call the film “the biggest indie debut this week,” with a per screen average of $2300 on more than 450 screens
Inspired by true events, the movie has impacted audiences of all backgrounds and beliefs – with sell-outs in Manhattan to Miami, San Francisco to Detroit from church groups and urban moviegoers. SOURCE
I think I told ALL my friends about When Georgia Smiled yesterday. Please read previous day post. I can’t thank Robin McGraw enough. Even though she has NEVER been a victim she has a passion to help keep women safe. She feels a need to protect those still in the battle. Belows you will view a safe exit plan which can be found on her website http://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org. She is giving hope to those who have survivied to tell their stories. I encourage ALL of you to start Aspire in your local city.
Stay Safe Action Plan
The most violent time in an abusive relationship is the minute the woman leaves, or tries to leave. In fact, in domestic violence cases, more than 70 percent of injuries and murders happen after the victim leaves. This phenomenon is known as separation assault. After following the Exit Action Plan for how to leave an abusive relationship safely, know the plan for staying safe!
Sue Else, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, offers steps for staying safe after leaving an abusive relationship:
•Consider Going to a Shelter
Domestic violence shelters are available to provide safety and to help you get on your feet. In addition to safety, they provide services, support and resources for you and your children.
•Secure Your New Home
Consider new window and door locks, outdoor lights, an alarm system, steel doors and smoke detectors.
•Don’t move to a secluded area
Move to a neighborhood with lots of neighbors, perhaps an apartment complex, with a Neighborhood Watch program.
•Keep New Address Confidential
Get a P.O. Box, and don’t give out your real address. Try to rent a home that has utilities included, sign up for an Address Confidentiality Program through your state government and make sure your voter registration doesn’t have your address.
•Stay Off Social Networking Websites
You don’t want information about who you’re friends with and what you’re doing public. You don’t know who could be friends with your ex.
•Obtain a Protection Order
Keep a copy on you at all times. Give copies to family, friends, co-workers and your children’s school.
•Change Your Patterns
Shop at new stores, take different routes to work, change coffee shops and gas stations, go to a faith service at a different time, switch to a new bank.
•Secure Your Accounts
Change your passwords and PIN codes, and call utility companies and ask them to add a password to your account that only you know.
•Get a New Computer
Spyware could be on your old computer, allowing the abuser to know everything you do on the computer and read all of your email.
•Get a New Cell Phone and Number
Verizon HopeLine donates phones to victims through local shelters.
•Protect Yourself at Work
Alert your supervisor and the security staff, remove your number from the office directory and even change office locations. Ask security to walk you to your car.
•Safety Plan with Your Children
Teach children what to do if the abuser kidnaps them or breaks into the house. You don’t want to scare your children, but help them be prepared. Alert the school or daycare of the danger.
•Don’t Isolate Yourself
Don’t park your car in large parking garages or jog at night or in secluded areas. Park as close to the location as possible.
Keep records of all texts, emails, stalking and harassment. Keep video or written journal — and hide it!
•Keep Loved Ones Informed
Always tell a trusted person where you are going, EVERY DAY. Have check-in times so loved ones always know you are safe.
Have 911 ready to call when you are walking to your car. Be aware of your environment; if something feels out of the ordinary, IT IS!
•Have a Bag Packed
Include an extra set of keys, identification, car title, birth certificate, social security, clothes for you and your children, shoes, money, jewelry — anything important to you.
Adapted from DrPhil.com