A Note For Survivors & Victims #31dbc

Today is the last day of the 31 Day Blog Challenge. On this journey God has sent some really amazing people into my life, I’m so thankful for that.

One lady stands out, she read a post about my battle with Domestic Violence. After reading it she offered a curriculum she used at a Battered Women’s Shelter. That made my day, she has been in contact with me. She is pushing me and has NO idea what that means to me.

God never promises you, your cheerleader will be someone you know. I ask her to write some words to those who have been victimized. She sent that as well. I’ll post or later in this post.

Also on this journey the comments have been amazing. Sharing from your pain is NOT always easy. The minute you realize it might free someone else it makes t worth it.

I want to say, “Thanks!” To all my new followers the post and information will continue. I promise you that!

Also if you ever want to submit a post please send it to nomoreblows@yahoo.com. Remember out goal will always be encouraging and restoring.

As promised please read the kind words from Ms. Kieta, the angel God sent while on this 31 day journey;

When I first began to work with victims of domestic violence, I felt an intense sense of guilt for having grown up in a safe, loving home. I wondered what I could possibly give to these women who had experienced so much trauma when I hadn’t walked in their shoes. It is interesting how much our society likes to separate beings; size, race, employment status… you name it, there are a million different ways to convey differences between people. What I learned, very profoundly, in my work with women and children who had been through the experience of domestic violence is that we are all first and foremost human beings, worthy of love and respect. While my personal journey to love and respect myself was not started at the same point on the map, these women and I were on the same journey. When you know and love yourself as the being God created you to be, you are no longer willing to treat yourself as less nor accept mistreatment from others. Certainly, my studies of the dynamics of abuse and logistics of rebuilding a life after leaving an abusive partner proved helpful in my role in the shelter but more than anything I believe that my awareness of the shared journey is what makes me a valuable asset those who seek to overcome the impacts of domestic violence. I am passionate about domestic violence education because I know that many people still believe completely false concepts about why abuse happens, who it happens to and how to best respond to those who do (or don’t) reach out for help. I believe that if everyone understood the dynamics of abuse, not only would we respond more effectively to the very real problem going on in many families, but we would also be much kinder to ourselves. Abuse does not Just occur from the outside in and we All have the power to create change, starting in our very own hearts.

Love, peace and hugs,

Lady K -:)

Tips For Loving a Man Who Has Been Sexually Abused…

As I promised you!! Men who have been sexually abused need special love just like the women. Please tell me your thoughts on both articles.

Even the seemingly perfect relationships have their own distinct set of challenges. What can make any relationship even more difficult, is growing to care deeply for someone who is in a dangerous relationship with demons from their past. Being in a relationship with a man who’s been sexually abused can make you feel helpless and confused, but what you may not realize is that your partner may be battling many of those same feelings.

Ever since the 1997 imprisonment of Mary Kay Letorneau, a school teacher in her mid-thirties who admitted to engaging in sexual intercourse with 13 year-old student Vili Fualaau, sexual abuse involving male victims doesn’t seem to be taken nearly as seriously in society as cases in which the victim is female. Unfortunately this often results in many men believing that if society doesn’t take their situation seriously, then they themselves shouldn’t either. When a woman is involved sexually with a male who is significantly older than her she’s “violated,” but when a male has the opportunity to have sex with an older woman he’s often “congratulated.”

The truth is that when sex is used to manipulate and take advantage of anyone without the full capacity to consent and understand the situation, it’s a violation. It doesn’t matter if it’s a blonde bombshell teaching in a classroom or your stereotypical “To Catch a Predator” assailant.

According to the online-support group BSAS (Black Sexual Abuse Survivors), 1 in 6 males have been sexually abused as children and 1.9 million African-American men have been sexually abused. Many black males are struggling with their masculinity, sexuality and even their very identities because they are burdened with the shame, self-blame and an inability to trust in relationships. This is especially true when the abuse occurs at the hands of another male. Heterosexual men often question their sexuality when they are raped or molested by another man and homosexual men may even feel that this violation is a punishment or that the situation is to blame for their sexual preference.

The Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) states that some of the common stereotypes that surround sexual abuse of males include:

“Men are immune to victimization”
“Men enjoy all sex, so they must’ve enjoyed the assault”
“Male survivors are more likely to be sexual predators”.
With little education or resources, when the man you’ve grown to look at as strong and powerful reveals to you that he was once in fact a victim, you may find yourself questioning many of those stereotypes. While there are many men who actively seek support to help deal with post-traumatic stress and other feelings that have created barriers in their personal relationships, there are some men who experience anxiety even thinking about the situation, let alone revealing it and risking being harshly judged by others. This can create problems in a romantic relationship, because although the partner is willing to be an active source of support, the victim to may not yet be ready to deal with his feelings.

After you’ve stripped yourself of assumptions and preconceived notions, one of the best things you can do when dating a man who is a victim of sexual assault is to educate yourself on the common effects that men can have as a result of being sexually abused. According to an article titled “Sexual Abuse” on AskMen.com, one of the most common effects of sexual abuse is emotional unavailability. Men who experience sexual abuse may experience feelings of mistrust towards anyone, especially those whom they are involved with romantically. They may also experience performance anxiety in the bedroom due to their internal turmoil surrounding confusion about their sexuality. Self-blame may also negatively affect self-esteem which can cause conflict within the relationship. More severe effects may include insomnia, poor anger management and paranoia. An inability to confront the issue may manifest into substance abuse and self-harm.

While you can’t erase the past, you can be a strong source of support in the present and help your partner navigate a brighter future. Don’t be intimidated by what you learn about the past. The very fact that he chose to reveal this information to you shows that on some level he trusts you and the last thing you want to do is shut him down. Sometimes just listening is a great way to show support. Just being there for moral support can make the experience of seeking professional help less scary. It’s also important to understand that many of the issues that are causing conflict in the relationship could be due to not dealing with the past. You might also be his best chance at understanding what a healthy sexual and romantic relationship truly is.

Take his hand and try making the first step to healing by visiting sites like MaleSurvivor.org or Adult Survivors of Child Abuse or calling toll-free hot lines where trained professionals are available 24 hours a day for help like 1-800-799-SAFE. With a bit of patience and empathy you can help your partner transition from being a victim to being a survivor.

Thanks Madame Noire for this good read!

A Guide For Loving a Woman Who Has Been Sexually Abused #31dbc

This 31 Day Blog Challenge has been amazing for me! It’s pushed me to write about my passion, open up and encourage others. That’s a bonus for me.

My passion is Domestic Violence helping end the silence on this war the victim NEVER signs up for.

Tonight I’ll post a few tips on how to love a women who has been sexually abused. It’s my prayer this will help both men and women. I’ll also post tips for women on how to love a man who has been sexually abused.

I don’t believe in helping one and not the other. After you read this please let me know what you think.

More Media Now

Fri December 9th, 2005
One in every three women has been sexually abused in some form at some time in her life. If you balk at these statistics, you’re probably not familiar with the many different manifestations sexual abuse can take. Headlines are made by vicious, random rapes. These situations are traumatizing and life-altering, but the “quiet” sexual abuse is just as devastating and widespread. The bottom line is there’s a good chance any one man may find himself in a relationship with a woman who, at some point in her life, experienced sexual abuse.
The reason more men aren’t aware of this? Women generally don’t want to talk about the abuse they’ve suffered. Many try to “act normal” – they put on a facade while trying to repress and forget the memory of the abuse. Suppressing the trauma only makes it worse, and these women often end up developing a serious disconnect from healthy relationships. This is not due only to their actions resulting from their private pain. Chances are a good number of these women are forced not only to suffer in silence, but also to bear the social stigma of being a “prude” or a woman with “issues.” The misunderstanding and insensitivity these women face only serves to alienate them further.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Women who have been abused can heal, move on, and form healthy, happy sexual relationships. A large factor in this is the man involved in the relationship. If you’re involved with a woman who has suffered sexual abuse, you can go a long way toward giving her the support she needs to heal.

1. Educate yourself on the effects of sexual abuse. While you may never be able to understand the violation your partner experienced, do what you can to learn. Resources on sexual abuse abound online, in magazines, and in the library. Make an effort to understand what your partner is going through.

2. Don’t push her to talk about the experience, but make sure she knows you’re ready to listen if she does want to discuss it with you. Know that you’ll likely have to prove your trustworthiness over and over in other facets of the relationship before she will feel comfortable trusting you with knowing the details of this, her most humiliating and traumatic experience.

3. Don’t ever pressure her to have sex. Unwanted touching or sexual pressure will only reinforce her sense of distrust. Women who have been sexually abused often develop extreme low self-esteem – they believe they’re good for nothing but “that.” In addition, sexual pressure will add guilt on top of her fear. Don’t let yourself believe she’s not aware of your needs; she undoubtedly is, and she’s likely wrestling with her own emotions and the knowledge that she’s “depriving” you of sex. This is not to say you can’t be intimate, but you must go slow and speak with her to define her boundaries. Pay attention to her outward signals, and be ready to back off.

4. Be sensitive, but not pitying. If your partner has come far enough to tell you about the sexual abuse she experienced, she may exhibit a heightened awareness of your attitude toward her – i.e., if you now consider her to be “damaged goods.” Try to refrain from apologizing for what’s happened to her. She may interpret this as your feeling sorry for her, and she may resent you for it. Possibly the best thing you can do for her after this revelation is to simply be present and listening. A common communication complaint amongst women, against men, is men tend to be “problem solvers” rather than listeners. While women only want someone to listen and commisserate, men want to take action and “fix it.” You can’t “fix” a woman who has experienced sexual abuse. You can only be there for her while she finds her own healing, hopefully in part through her relationship with you.

5. Above all, be patient. It may at times feel like you’re bending over backward to cater to her emotions, but if you truly wish to pursue a meaningful, healthy relationship, you’ll have to be patient. Frustration, anger and resentment on your part will only serve to add to her distress, drive a deeper wedge between you, and possibly destroy whatever progress you’ve already made in becoming close to her. You must be dedicated to being there for your partner and offering the support she needs, or your relationship may have the potential to cause even more damage. She’s experienced betrayal and humiliation on the deepest level, and if she senses or experiences more hurt from you, it will only strengthen her reluctance and withdrawal.

Women who have been sexually abused can and do heal from the abuse. If your partner has been abused, you’re in a unique position to help her on her road to healing. Make an effort to help and not hurt.

We Are Survivors!!! #31dbc

In a perfect world there would be no pain, no death, no sorrow or any sadness. Since the world isn’t perfect we have all of that, God knowing it would come to die for ALL of us.

Often we get so caught up in our own MESS we forget how Jesus felt on the cross. I don’t even want to think about the painful death of Jesus. That’s enough to make us all cry.

Tonight think about someone you know who has been through a few things. Can you fathom the thought of dealing with that? Chances are your first thought is NO. In most cases that’s what we always say.

Those were my thoughts tonight when I saw a lady with a shaved head. When I looked at her I thought, I couldn’t imagine being sick like that. A cold does me in, not to mention when I get a sinus infection. All I could do was smile.

My smile was for her victory, the fact she was walking said she is a victor. She was nice, polite and my inspiration for the day.

Have you ever had one of those days you just felt overwhelmed? Today was that day for me. I felt like everything was going so fast. I just needed to hit pause.

Until I crossed paths with this lady, I smiled just as big as she did. She had NO idea why I smiled. I was elated to see a survivor with a glow.

Not just any glow, the glow of ” I beat this, it didn’t defeat me!” If you know me I’m very outgoing, so I ask the lady for a hug. She smiled and reached out to me! It was more for me than for her. So often you need others to encourage you, that’s what she did for me.

Tonight as you think about that person who has been through, lift him/ her up to God. Pray for Gods will to be done.

Tonight give thanks for ALL God has protected you from. Your story may not be her story or my story. The fact remains life is a book, some chapters will be better than others.

Let me leave a verse with you for the night;

I [the Lord] will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. (Psalm 32:8 AMP)

When God is ready for you to share your book He will lead and guide you!

Love, peace and hugs,

Lady K -:)

Pleased connect with us:

Twitter @ImKRich
Facebook No More Blows (like us)
Email nomoreblows@yahoo.com

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A Night of Hope #31dbc

Tonight I’m going to post a few verses that always give me hope, keep me encouraged and show me that God holds ALL power.

Maybe you have a few verses, if so please share with us! We would love to share. Remember the goal is to give God glory!

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. (Philippians 1:12 NIV)

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. (Isaiah 40:28 NIV)

Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. (Isaiah 61:7 NIV)

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:10 NIV)

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)

Tonight as you read these verses it’s my prayer your faith, hope and confidence in God will grow deeper.

Please connect with me on Twitter @ImKRick, like us on Facebook No More Blows or email us at nomoreblows@yahoo.com.

Love, peace and hugs,

Lady K-:)

My Chains Your Freedom #31dbc

Good morning!!! Have you ever read a verse and said, “I can use that for my calling?” Last night I had one of those moments. It was like a light bulb can on.

Let me share with you what the verse says;

And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear. (Philippians 1:14 NIV)

I was excited as I’m sure some of you are as well. Maybe it hasn’t hit you yet. Your chains will bring others to the Father!!

Think of all your drama, your bondage, your chains and your brokenness. God is able to use ALL of that for His glory. I write ALL the time about my brokenness.

And if you read the comments people thank me for that. Your shame and guilt will allow unbelievers to believe in a wonder working God.

Today I have a challenge for you. I’ll pray God leads you to the right person or people while thinking on this.

Social media is a place where people THINK others care about them. Have you ever read a post and thought I can’t believe he/she just posted that? I have and I remember where I was in life. Often I can feel the hurt via the post.

Often God will show us His hand on us. Today I want you to reach out to that person who always raises your eyebrow. Not all of them, God will lead you. If may not be just one, allowing The Spirit to use you takes wisdom.

After you do this, comment and let me know how it went. Remember the goal is to allow your chains to give God the glory. Keep it real with the person or people God leads you to.

The last thing I want to do is share my favorite verse with you;

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)

That alone allows me to share my brokenness with you! Spread your wings and fly!!

Love, peace and hugs,

Lady K -:)

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Agree or Disagree?? #31dbc

Today was a great day for the women in Cleveland. I was so thankful Castro took the plea deal offered to him. Trials are mentally draining to those who have to testify.

I am sure they were just as happy, now they can start to close this chapter. Lets keep these ladies in our prayers. Lets not forget about the child who is left behind. He father will now be in jail, the rest of her life. According to the reports she was the only person treated with some respect.

I’ll post he article after you read it, please tell me your thoughts.
Tribune wire reports

Tribune wire reports
11:53 am, July 26, 2013
CLEVELAND — A former Cleveland school bus driver, Ariel Castro, agreed today to plead guilty and be imprisoned for life for kidnapping and raping three women he held captive in his house for about a decade in one of the most sensational criminal cases in the United States in recent years.

At a court hearing, Ohio prosecutors in turn agreed that Castro will not be eligible for the death penalty over the disappearance of the women from 2002 to 2004 before they were freed in May along with a 6-year-old girl who, according to DNA evidence, was fathered by Castro with one of his captives.

Many Americans were alternately elated when the three women were freed from Castro’s house in a rundown neighborhood of Cleveland on May 6, and stunned by the details of his brutal treatment of them. The women had been bound for periods of time in chains or ropes and endured starvation, beatings and sexual assaults, according to court documents and a police report.

The avoidance of a trial spares the women from having to testify.

At Friday’s hearing, Castro spoke for the first time in detail about his actions, saying he had been a victim himself as a child and had struggled with a sexual obsession.

“My addiction to pornography and my sexual problem has really taken a toll on my mind,” Castro, 53, clad in an orange prison jumpsuit, told the judge.

“I was also a victim as a child and it just kept going.”

Castro told Cuyahoga County Judge Michael Russo that he understood he would never emerge from prison under the plea agreement.

“I do understand that,” Castro responded. “I knew I was pretty much going to get the book thrown at me.”

His sentencing was scheduled for Aug. 1.

Castro was charged with 977 counts, including kidnapping and rape, for the abduction and imprisonment of the three women, Gina DeJesus, 23, Michelle Knight, 32, and Amanda Berry, 27.

Castro also was charged with murder under a fetal homicide law for allegedly forcing one of the women to miscarry.

Under Ohio law, prosecutors could have sought the death penalty for the murder charge, but the plea agreement precludes that.11:53 am, July 26, 2013

At a court hearing, Ohio prosecutors in turn agreed that Castro will not be eligible for the death penalty over the disappearance of the women from 2002 to 2004 before they were freed in May along with a 6-year-old girl who, according to DNA evidence, was fathered by Castro with one of his captives.

Many Americans were alternately elated when the three women were freed from Castro’s house in a rundown neighborhood of Cleveland on May 6, and stunned by the details of his brutal treatment of them. The women had been bound for periods of time in chains or ropes and endured starvation, beatings and sexual assaults, according to court documents and a police report.

The avoidance of a trial spares the women from having to testify.

At Friday’s hearing, Castro spoke for the first time in detail about his actions, saying he had been a victim himself as a child and had struggled with a sexual obsession.

“My addiction to pornography and my sexual problem has really taken a toll on my mind,” Castro, 53, clad in an orange prison jumpsuit, told the judge.

“I was also a victim as a child and it just kept going.”

After reading that what do you feel? I hope we can have a little discussion with this post.

Lady K-:)