Honesty First

Today I sit amazed at how God brings things to full circle. On January 25, 2013 I posted a blog titled “My Heart is Heavy.”

The post was about a murder in my city. A young lady and her friend were murdered by her ex-boyfriend. As I read the article in the newspaper it broke my heart.

This post is about the responsibility of women who have survived Domestic Violence or are currently trying to exit the relationship. Let’s cover a few of my ground rules:

First let me say as a survivor you have a right to protect anyone you date after leaving an abusive relationship. You have a right to be mature and responsible about how you handle the situation.

Look at it this way if you started dating a man with HIV or herpes you would feel he has a right to tell you right? That’s the same way he feels about your past that has the potential to effect him.

We owe any man we date or are friends with the right to make a choice to get involved with us. It’s time out for us keeping secrets putting innocent men in the middle of our war zones.

We can’t say we love our men yet set them up for failure. We can’t say we love them and continue to deceive them into thinking things are fine.

There comes a point you have to be honest with yourself about what you’ve been through. You have to realize he had NO idea about who you are and where you have been if something happens to him because he did not know.

Yes he may notice your walls but does he know why you have it in place? He may notice the fact he proves chivalry is not dead impresses you. He may notice you jump when he reaches to show you any type of affection. He may notice when you call and he doesn’t answer you get a little attitude. Does he know why?

Does he know you’re used to being called out of your name or maybe even punched? Does he know your last man has made several threats on your life and maybe a few attempts? Does he know you are usde to being cheated on? Does he know you’re scared to have an opinion?

I’m not saying tell him about ALL your failed relationships. I am saying he has the right to know that he may be in danger. Treat it like an STD how would you feel, if at your next check up your doctor tells you, you have HIV.

Why did I use HIV? With the lack of knowledge both have the potential to be deadly to the innocent one. Both have the potential to be life threating when NOT addressed in a mature way.

I’m sure some of you are thinking this will limit your potential to date. That’s not the case at all. The man God has for you will have enough love and respect for you to accept you, flaws and all. He will be strong enough to carry your banner of pain. And if you notice he isn’,t the choice is yours what you choose to do.

Some may read this and say I’m coming down on women. I’m woman as well. This is just an issue often NOT addressed. It’s starting to be a common thing where an innocent man is killed by a predator he wasn’t informed about. That’s not fair and it’s not right.

I’m just saying we have a right to honest and accepted for who we are. Keeping that secret from him is a form of deception. He deserves the truth and you deserve someone who is going to love you for you – failed relationships and all!

Please share your opinions about this blog. Lets make this open discussion. I want to hear from men and women. Tell me what you think!!!

In doing so remember we are all adults and have a right to our own opinion.

Love, peace and hugs to all

Praying For ALL These Youth

STEUBENVILLE, Ohio — Two high school football stars were found guilty on Sunday of raping a 16-year-old girl last summer in a case that drew national attention for the way social media spurred the initial prosecution and later helped galvanize national outrage.

Related

The Lede: How Blogger Helped Steubenville Rape Case Unfold Online (March 18, 2013)

Accuser Testifies in Ohio Rape Case; Verdict Expected (March 17, 2013)

Text Messages at Center of Rape Trial Testimony (March 15, 2013)

Case Already Tried in Social Media Heads to Court (March 13, 2013)

The courtroom in Steubenville, Ohio, on Sunday as Mr. Mays, 17, and Mr. Richmond, 16, were found guilty in the rape of a 16-year-old girl.

Because the victim did not remember what had happened, scores of text messages and cellphone pictures provided much of the evidence. They were proof as well, some said, that Steubenville High School’s powerhouse football team held too much sway over other teenagers, who documented and traded pictures of the assault while doing little or nothing to protect the girl.

One of the football players, Trent Mays, 17, who had been a quarterback, was sentenced to serve at least two years in the state juvenile system. The other, Ma’lik Richmond, 16, who had played wide receiver, was sentenced to serve at least one year. Both could end up in juvenile jail until they are 21, at the discretion of the State Department of Youth Services.

Mr. Mays’s minimum sentence is twice as long as Mr. Richmond’s because he was found to be delinquent beyond a reasonable doubt — the juvenile equivalent of guilty — not just of rape but also of distributing a nude image of a minor.

After Judge Thomas Lipps read his decision in Juvenile Court, both boys sobbed. Mr. Richmond told his lawyer, Walter Madison, “My life is over.”

Mr. Mays apologized to the victim by name, as well as to her family and the community. “No pictures should have been sent around, let alone ever taken,” he said.

Mr. Richmond then walked toward the family and said: “I had not intended to do anything like this. I’m sorry to put you through this.” After that he broke down, unable to speak, and embraced a court officer.

The judge found that both boys used their fingers to penetrate the girl in the early hours of Aug. 12 while she was so drunk that she lacked the cognitive ability to give her consent for sex. A picture that was circulated among classmates later that day showed the victim naked and passed out. Ohio’s legal definition of rape includes digital penetration.

Judge Lipps described much of the evidence as “profane and ugly.” In sentencing the boys, he said rape was among the gravest of crimes and noted that they could have been tried as adults with far harsher punishments. He also said the case was a cautionary lesson in how teenagers conduct themselves when alcohol is present and in “how you record things on social media that are so prevalent today.”

The trial also exposed the behavior of other teenagers, who wasted no time spreading photos and text messages with what many in the community felt was callousness or cruelty.

And that aspect of the case may not be complete. The Ohio attorney general, Mike DeWine, said after the verdict that he would convene a grand jury next month to finish the investigation.

In an interview, Mr. DeWine said that while it was not clear that more people would face charges, prosecutors might consider offenses that include obstruction of justice, failure to report a felony and failure to report child abuse. State officials have interviewed almost 60 people — students, coaches, school officials and parents — but 16, most of them juveniles, have refused to speak to investigators.

The verdict came after four days of testimony that was notable for how Ohio investigators analyzed hundreds of text messages from more than a dozen cellphones and created something like a real-time accounting of the assault.

As these messages were read aloud, Judge Lipps heard Mr. Mays state that he had used his fingers to penetrate the girl, whom he referred to in a separate message as “like a dead body.” In another message, Mr. Mays admitted to the girl that he had taken the picture, already circulated among other students, of her lying naked in a basement with what he told her was his semen on her body, from what he stated was a consensual sex act.

Other text messages suggested that Mr. Mays had grown increasingly worried within a day or two, urging a friend to curb the distribution of a video related to the assault. He also seemed to try to orchestrate a cover-up, telling a friend, “Just say she came to your house and passed out.”

Finally, the messages showed Mr. Mays pleading with the girl not to press charges because doing so would damage his football career — even as the girl grew angry that he seemed to care more about football than her welfare.

On Saturday, the girl testified that for the roughly six-hour period during which the rapes occurred, she had no memory of anything aside from a brief vomiting episode. She said she had woken up the next morning naked in the basement living room surrounded by Mr. Mays, Mr. Richmond and another boy, with no idea where she was or how she had gotten there and unable to find her underwear, shoes, earrings or phone.

One classmate testified that he had seen Mr. Mays also penetrate the girl while they rode in the back seat of a car.

Far more evidence and testimony were about Mr. Mays. Mr. Richmond mainly faced the testimony of Evan Westlake, another student, who said Mr. Richmond had used his fingers to penetrate the girl while she lay in the basement.

Testimony also touched the high school’s football coach, Reno Saccoccia, who had been criticized by some in the community for not doing more to discipline other players present. In one text message, Mr. Mays stated that he felt he had gotten the coach to “take care of it” and that Mr. Saccoccia “was joking about it so I’m not that worried.”

In the end, the most powerful evidence may have been the two hours of testimony from the 16-year-old girl herself. Under questioning from the prosecution, she told the story of waking up confused, naked, ashamed and worried, and then finding out that day that many of her friends had an idea what had happened to her or had even seen a picture of her naked. The girl also testified that she had come to realize that Mr. Mays — who maintained that he had taken care of her while she was drunk and that their encounter had been consensual and did not involve penetration — had done far more.

“This is the most pointless thing,” Mr. Mays said in one text message to the girl. “I’m going to get in trouble for something I should be getting thanked for taking care of you.”

But the girl made clear that she was not having any more of it, telling Mr. Mays in another exchange: “It’s on YouTube. I’m not stupid. Stop texting me.”

Was Their Sorry TOO Late????

Two Ohio high school football players have been found guilty of raping a drunken 16-year-old girl in a case that roiled a small city and stirred reaction from activists online.

Judge Thomas Lipps ruled Sunday in juvenile court that Steubenville High School students Trent Mays and Ma’Lik Richmond are guilty of attacking the girl after an alcohol-fueled party last August.

The 17-year-old Mays and 16-year-old Richmond were charged with digitally penetrating the West Virginia girl, first in a car and then in a house.

Judge Tom Lipps ordered Richmond held in a juvenile detention facility for at least one year and Mays at least two years. The juvenile system could hold them until age 21. Both were required to register as juvenile sex offenders.

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Mays and Richmond both apologized tearfully after being found guilty.

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“I’d like to apologize to her family, [the] community. No pics should have been sent. That’s all sir,” said Mays.

“I’d like to apologize to you people. I had no intentions to do anything, I’m sorry to put you through this — I’m sorry, I didnt… ” said Richmond as he broke down crying.

Afterwards, the mother of the victim’s mother, who is not being named, gave a statement to the media, saying:

“It did not matter what school you went to, what city you lived in, or what sport you’ve played. Human compassion is not taught by a teacher coach or parent. It is a God-given gift instilled in all of this. You displayed not only a lack of this compassion but a lack of any moral code. Your decisions that night affected countless lives including those most dear to you. You were your own accuser through social media you chose to publish your criminal conduct on. This does not define who my daughter is. She will persevere, grow, and move on.

“I have pity for you both. I hope you fear the Lord, repent for your actions and pray hard for his forgiveness,” she concluded.

The case divided the community amid allegations that more students should have been charged and led to questions about the influence of the football team, a local source of a pride.

After the guilty verdicts, Ohio’s attorney general said he will convene a grand jury to investigate whether other people should be charged in the case.

Activist groups have questioned why people who knew about the rape weren’t charged under state law requiring people to report crimes.

Attorney General Mike DeWine said Sunday “this community desperately needs to have this behind them but this community also desperately needs to know justice was done and that no stone was left unturned.”

Related:
Prosecution, defense rest their cases in Steubenville rape trial
Steubenville high school rape trial zeroes in on texts, photos, video
As rape trial opens, prosecutors says girl was ‘too impaired to say no’

© 2013 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

If Love Is….

If love is patient why do you rush me into the sheets?
If love is kind why do you call me mean names?
If love is NOT proud why do you treat me like a trophy?
If love is NOT easily angered why am I scared to speak the truth?
If love keeps NO record of wrong, why do you torture me with my failed past?
If love does NOT dishonor why do you hit me when you don’t get your way?
If love is NOT self seeking why do you always want things your way?
If love does NOT rejoice in evil why do you embarrass me?
If love rejoices in truth why do you lie like a rug?
If love protects why am more afraid of you than the man in the streets?
If love trust why do you betray me so much?
If love hopes why do I pray for the day this relationship fails?
If love preserves why does this smell of death?
If love NEVER fails why are we apart?

The truth of the matter is what we had wasn’t love at all. It was you controlling me like I was a puppet on a string. I was blinded by my own self seeking passion. Now I know what love is; let me thank you for teaching me to appreciate Mr. Right.

No longer will I allow your blows, actions or words to hinder me. Thank God I’m free NO longer bound by your action!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

Ladies if he can’t love you like God, it’s best you pack your bags and go. It’s never Gods will his daughters endure ANY form of torture.

Peace, love and hugs to all!

Lady K -:)

My Shadow

My shadow was angry, aggressive and abusive.
My shadow would beat, bruise and belittle me.
My shadow was cunning, a coward and not so clever.
My shadow was deceptive, deadly and detrimental to my thoughts.
My shadow was evil, envious and embarrassing at times.
My shadow was faithless, fake and fearless.
My shadow was NOT gentle, often grumpy, and a grumbled when I didn’t obey.
My shadow was homicidal, horrific and humiliating at times.
My shadow was ignorant, illogical, and irrational if it wasn’t going his way.
My shadow was jealous, judgmental and joyless about life.
My shadow killed my self-esteem, kept me from those who loved me and kidnapped my thoughts.
My shadow was loveless, lonely, and lowly for trying to destroy me.
My shadow was full of malice, had maniac habits and miserable at times.
My shadow was negative, nasty and neglectful.
My shadow would offend, oppress and have outburst when I wanted to be me.
My shadow was painful, pitiful and pathetic.
My shadow would quickly hurt me, often told to me keep quiet about the abuse and questioned my when he didn’t believe me.
My shadow was rough, would rape me if I said no sex and recite how NO one else wanted me.
My shadow was selfish, sabotaging, and simple in his thinking.
My shadow would torture, torment and threaten me often.
My shadow was uncontrollable, unapproachable and undisciplined.
My shadow was vulgar, violent and vicious.
My shadow forced me to build a wall, making me feel worthless leading to many weeping nights.
My shadow taught me eXceptional lessons, allowing me to eXam people a little different now I give eXta attention to the signs.
My shadow stole my youth, would often yell and wanted me to be his yes’ man.
My shadow stayed in a zone and had NO zeal for life.

Ladies coming out of an abusive relationship means you’re NO longer subject to your shadow. Tonight make a list of what your shadow WAS. Then make a list if who you are today.

Peace, love and hugs to all!!!

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Oscar vs Jodi

This post is for me to clear my heart and mind. Today I want to talk about Oscar and Jodi. Two people from two different walks of life; both accused of murdering their partner.

One is a rich male athlete from South Africa. The other a not so rich woman from Arizona. One is accused of shooting his partner four times. The other of stabbing her boyfriend over 20 times. Yes, you read that right 20 times.

Here we have two people accused of the same crime, a partner dead in
cold-blooded murder some might add. Both are now victims of Domestic Violence in my book.

The sad part is the people, NOT the jury is divided on who and what to believe. It will be a while before the trial in South Africa begins, however our American trial is going on now. In a few days the jury should be passing down a verdict in her case.

Let’s talk about the people and what some say. As a former victim of Domestic Violence I’m not saying you never think about killing the person who causes you harm. There was a time I was fed up with running to pay phones and sleeping on my friend’s white chaise lounge.

I didn’t have the heart to act out what I thought to do to him. What I played in my head several times and what I even felt confident to do; I would get off with the crime. Then I thought, “I don’t want to hurt the family of the person who hurts me. He makes threats and I’m not sure if he will make good on them.” I don’t want people to think I’m not human.

We have a ton of thoughts every day. We often feel our wrongs will be made right.

Now let me talk about my feelings and thoughts about both of these two. First let me say I think both are guilty. I don’t feel one is greater than the other. The sad part is you have people who feel Oscar’s story is more believable than Jodi’s.

I’m not sure how or where we get our double standards from. What makes us think rich folks don’t have issues or problems? Rich people are NOT perfect in any way. As we see they have issues just like us “normal people.”

You have support teams speaking out for both. However you have more people speaking badly about Jodi. She is an evil murderer to some. While Oscar on the hand is the victim who was about to be robbed.

We can pick both stories apart for days even years. I mean OJ Simpson’s murder trial is still talked about more than 10 years later. The Ray Carruth hype has died down. The difference in the two, Ray is in jail and more than half of America feels OJ got away with murder. Let me get back to my point.

My purpose in bringing those cases up. I just wanted to show you how people always have something to say.

I want justice for both families. The victim’s family deserves the truth: no lies, deceit or scandals to make one party look better than the other. And if any of you are following Oscar’s case his lawyers are asking for new bail arrangements.

I don’t think he deserves it. I knew if they gave him bail he would make it. I just want you to research the two cases and let me know what you think.

I always try to keep in mind the information we get is second hand for two reasons. Neither victim is here to speak, and the media is able to edit as they please.

Please join me while I pray for both men and women to learn to exercise
self-control. Also think about how their actions will effect everyone involved.

That’s what kept me from acting a fool when I felt justified. I had a daughter who needed me. And because I thought before I acted I’m able to write these posts about the shadows of Domestic Violence.

Hugs,

Lady K